I’m sure you’ve seen or heard people talk about the toll that postpartum takes and how easy it is to lose yourself in parenthood after having a baby. There’s just a part of you that loses yourself when you become a parent and it can be absolutely heart breaking. I had a hard time when I became a mom, especially in the first few weeks in postpartum. Here’s my story.
I was 19 years old when I found out I was pregnant.
My husband and I had just barely moved into our own place after living with my mom for 3 years. I was so excited to live a new life in the city and be able to enjoy my 20s and go to the gym and all of the things a young adult does. After moving out of the country and a small town with no opportunities and starting a new career as a Dental Assistant I was so PUMPED. I had about 1 month in my apartment before I took a pregnancy test one day and it was positive.
As I looked at that positive test I could feel my whole world crashing.
See, I’ve always wanted to grow up so fast and quickly go onto the next stage of life, and about a year ago I was actually wanting to have a baby (as crazy as that sounds since I was so young). However, I had just finally gotten used to the idea that I could slow down, enjoy my 20s with my husband and get to know myself. I had absolutely no idea who I was and wanted to figure that out.
Looking at that positive test, I didn’t believe it. I made my husband drive me to the nearest Walmart so that I could buy more tests. When I took that first test, it wasn’t because I thought I was pregnant. My period was about to start, but I frequently took monthly pregnancy tests to be 100% sure. I wasn’t at all mentally prepared to see the positive… When the 3 other tests came back positive, it confirmed my fear and I just couldn’t handle it.
I felt like this was the end of my life.
I know this sounds super dramatic but I really felt so sad that I would have to get rid of the idea of “enjoying my 20s” so early. Before I even got the chance to turn 20. The moment I knew I was pregnant my life completely changed. We were so excited but I was extremely sad at the same time. I was so sick and had a terrible case of pregnancy brain and was ultimately failing at my new job… I couldn’t remember anything I had just learned and I became a terrible dental assistant.
Part of me started hating going to work because I was throwing up every morning and had 0 energy throughout the day. After I came home from work I would just lay in bed all day. I wasn’t enjoying my new life and I thought it would just be worse once the baby was here. Eventually, at the beginning of my 3rd trimester, I quit my job and stayed home, focusing on nesting and growing a baby.
My third trimester was a living hell.
I had heartburn almost every single night and I was in extreme pain after gaining 50 pounds. I was always so tired and would sleep most of the day. Depression had gotten a hold of me and I was anxious. Turns out I had severe preeclampsia and needed to be induced at 38 weeks. My son’s heart rate kept dropping and my heart rate kept going up. Eventually, they realized something was wrong and the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. After I had my son via emergency c-section I couldn’t see him for another 10 hours. After 5 days of being in the hospital and having to go back and forth between the NICU, we were finally cleared to go home.
I felt like I didn’t have a connection with my baby.
When you’re pregnant, everyone you talk to will tell you about how wonderful it is to see your baby for the first time. They talk so lovingly about the moment the baby is laid on your chest and how you fall in love instantly. I got home and felt so robbed from that experience. I never got the chance to hold my baby as soon as he was born, since I was required to have an emergency C-section. The next few weeks were rough.
I was coping with the fact that I thought my life was practically over, and learning how to take care of someone else’s needs when I could barely find the energy to take care of myself.
That’s another thing that people talk about a lot when you’re pregnant. If you mention being tired they’ll say “Oh just wait”. When you mention any of your dreams they say something along the lines of ‘should have waited to have a baby’. They make having a baby sound like the worst thing that could ever be happening to a 20-year-old.
I believed them.
I genuinely took every word anyone said to heart. Sure there were the people that were excited and talked about the good. However, it really seemed like even more people mentioned the bad. ‘you’ll never sleep at night’ ‘Say goodbye to your relationship’ ‘Your life is pretty much over now’. It truly seemed like nobody wanted me to be happy, so I wasn’t.
It wasn’t until recently that I realized that I don’t necessarily need to say goodbye to life. Sure, I might have a kid whose needs come first. However, it’s so much fun to live life again through the eyes of a child. It almost gives you a different perspective. My 3 month old can be entertained by a ceiling fan for crying out loud.
I can still go out and do the things I dreamed like traveling. I can go to the gym and still have my alone time. It’s just a matter of finding myself…
Don’t get me wrong. Parenthood is still the hardest thing I’ve done.
But it’s also the most beautiful and rewarding thing I’ve done. This is why I’m going to help with seeing how beautiful and amazing life is after having your little one. I want to show you that you can still love yourself, love life and be a badass parent all at the same time! Not all of it is terrible days of getting no sleep and being miserable like some people tell you about.
If you’re struggling with your identity after having a baby, please remember you are not alone.
I have seen so many parents talk about and mention losing their sense of self during postpartum. I’m here to talk about it again. I want to spread more awareness to parents who are expecting a baby. I wish I learned a little more about the postpartum journey when I was pregnant so that I could have been more prepared. Mentally prepping yourself I think is one of the most important things during pregnancy. Not only are you growing a baby, but you should also prepare mentally.
Ways to prepare/ things to mentally prepare yourself for…
–You may need to talk to your doctor and there’s no shame in that.
Postpartum depression is so real and so is postpartum rage. Don’t expect yourself to magically fix these very real mental illnesses. It’s okay to need some help from a doctor.
–Join some mom/parenting groups to hear vents/learn about things in parenthood.
Mom groups on Facebook have helped me out so much with so many questions/being able to relate to others.
–Talk with your partner.
Both of you need to be prepared with how hard parenting can be at times and you may need to switch off frequently. You both may need to take breaks and breathers. Ask them to help you out and understand that some conflict comes with parenting and that’s okay as long as there is some communication.
–Don’t forget to take care of yourself.
Your needs matter too. You’ll feel so much better if you give yourself just 5 minutes to brush your hair, put on light makeup, brush your teeth, or wash your face. One small self-care act will help you feel so much better and is a great way to start your day. Those depression days/weeks/months are no joke but small steps count.
–However, don’t beat yourself up if you have a low day.
There will be some days when you are feeling so depressed that all you did was make sure your baby was fed and in a clean diaper. You’ll tell yourself that you’re a terrible parent and tell yourself all of the ways you could have done better. But some days parenting means just surviving… It’s okay. You’re doing great and your baby needs you.
–You need to take breaks.
You can’t always just go go go. You’ll need breaks or you’ll fall apart. Have your partner give you frequent breaks, or if you don’t have a partner make sure you prioritize getting a babysitter every once in a while to watch your little one where you have a few hours of time to refresh, breathe or even just take a nap!
–Learn about each stage of a baby’s life!
Reading up on the different milestones and ways that your baby will interact with you helps so much. I was totally not prepared to be able to play with my baby. Yes, I know that sounds sad, but I was never around babies and I didn’t realize that you should interact with your baby early on. I wasn’t prepared and didn’t have toys or anything for the baby to look at. Just make sure you never compare yourself or your baby to other babies. All babies learn/grow differently. If you think something is wrong talk to your pediatrician.
–Give yourself some credit!
Remember that you are not alone. Parenting is hard, you’re not crazy I swear. Nobody is perfect, nobody knows exactly what they’re doing and you are doing great. As long as you love on your baby, your baby is fed and changed, you’re doing great. Social media parents aren’t perfect so stop comparing yourself to them.
–Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. It means you’re a good parent for recognizing that maybe you’re overwhelmed and need some help. Don’t force yourself to keep going when you’re stressed or overwhelmed.
–Sometimes it’s okay to let your baby cry a bit.
This is my favorite advice. Sometimes you need to put your baby down in a safe space like their crib and let them cry while you take a few minutes to yourself. Crying doesn’t hurt a baby. Overwhelmed parents do.
–You aren’t and never will be the person you were before becoming a parent.
Becoming a parent changes you. There’s just something totally different about being a parent. I can’t quite explain the feeling, but please don’t force yourself to try to find the same person you were. Work hard on finding yourself now. You may need to do some soul-searching, but that’s the fun part. You may be lost and confused at first, but one day you’ll find who you are again. Don’t give up. I’m not going to lie, I’m still on this journey of finding myself too. We can do it together friend.
–You are the parent. Stand your ground.
It’s okay for you to tell people no or for you to have control of your parenting. This is your baby and you are allowed to have a different way of parenting.
–Be prepared that you may have people who judge you or try to tell you what to do.
Some people just don’t know when to be quiet and let people have a different way of doing things.
Signs I’m about to fall into/ already in a slump.
It’s a really good thing to try to catch yourself early before you end up deep in a fog or rut. Sometimes you can get yourself back up before it gets extra hard. Of course everyone is different, but there are my signs.
-My house starts getting messy.
-I just feel sad and crippled/unmotivated
-I’m irritated more easily.
–I get out of the habit of basic self-care such as showering or brushing my teeth.
-It feels like a weight is on my shoulders.
-Anxiety starts becoming more frequent.
-Interacting with my baby seems harder than normal.
-I’ve found that I have much less patience with those around me
-Forgetting to feed myself/don’t have the energy to make anything.
-I have a hard time going outside to walk my dog
-The idea of interacting with anyone or making plans makes me anxious.
The beautiful things that come with parenting.
It’s so important to keep in mind all of the wonderful things that come with being a parent. You could risk forgetting how wonderful it is when all you focus on is the negative. (I’ve been there). I try to remind myself of everything I love so I have some positivity as well.
–Your baby loves you and needs you (even when it doesn’t feel like it)
–It’s so much fun to watch your baby learn and interact with things as they grow
-Everything is so new and amazing to your baby so you get to live life through their eyes. It really helps you realize how beautiful life is.
-The times that your baby just wants to cuddle you are so beautiful
-The overwhelming feeling you get when your baby learns something new is amazing. You can be so proud of them for the smallest things
-the joy your baby has when they’ve found their new favorite toy/stuffed animal.
-When your baby gets to the age where they are interested in books.
-Any time your baby smiles at you
-When your baby laughs at you.
-The feeling when your baby starts reaching for you to hold them
-Watching every milestone your baby reaches.
These are just a few of the absolutely wonderful things about parenthood. As you go along you find your favorite things and reasons to keep fighting for your little one. Just keep in mind that when your baby is crying/whining they are just trying to communicate their needs and you get to meet those needs. It’s a wonderful feeling to be there for them.
My favorite things to do that help me with finding myself.
A lot of finding yourself in parenthood means some self-care and alone time. I still am learning about who I am but it’s definitely getting easier daily. Spending some time with yourself doing things you love can help you reconnect with yourself. Here are my favorites to do. Some are just basic needs but help me feel so much better. Most of these I do either while my baby is taking a nap or when my husband is home.
-Taking a LOOONG ass shower.
-Meditating and journaling
-Doing tarot cards (not for everyone but I love it)
-Reading every night before bed. I’m in this self-help book era.
-Pampering myself such as giving myself a spa day or doing my nails/makeup
-Drinking a cup of tea and watching a movie/episode of my fav show
-Making myself my favorite meal
-Stretching
-Going to the gym on a stressful day to blow off some steam
-Looking at style inspo on Pinterest (my style has changed soo much since I became a mom)
-Thrift shopping (a lot of times I’m broke and just window shop)
–Splurging and taking myself out to get a coffee or boba tea (often times I use free rewards from Mcdonald’s so I don’t spend anything)
If you have any good ideas for self-care please comment below! These are just some things that I love to do in any free time I get. I’d love to hear your suggestions!
Please keep going. You are a great parent and your baby needs you.
Don’t forget how much your little one loves you and always keep in mind that life does get better. You may be in a rough patch and having a hard time finding yourself. But one day you’ll realize you feel so much better and things will be okay. You are doing great.
Please let me know what your thoughts are about this article! I would love to learn about ways I can improve or hear about the ways this helped you. Please reach out to me if you have any questions/need some advice. I check my inbox weekly. Just click on the contact me page!
Thank you so much for reading and thank you for coming with me while I find myself as well.
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