I will not and I will.
I will NOT feel guilty for giving myself what I want.
I will NOT feel guilty for giving myself what I need.
This is my latest intention. I go to yoga and sweat and stretch and chant it over and over again until my mind is blank. The blankness may only last a few moments at best but those moments are priceless.
Just a month ago I sat here and proclaimed that 2012 would be more running! Look at this big list of races I want to run! Yay running!
And then, I got back in the room. Hey yoga, nice to see you again. I haven’t stopped craving that room since. I have stopped running since though.
Maybe it’s just coincidence, maybe divine intervention… but a beautiful yoga studio just opened a mere 4 minutes from my home. How I didn’t know this was happening is a shock but I found out the day before the first class from Maria on twitter and in that moment I was overjoyed.
Since then I’ve been attending 2-4 classes a week and I couldn’t be both happier and more frustrated. I’m SO happy when I’m in the room. I’m so happy when I leave. I’m so happy when I wake up knowing I have a class later.
I’m frustrated that my desire to run is zero. ZERO.
I have been on the treadmill taking long luxurious walks while watching The Bachelor on my iPad but the thought of cranking the speed past 4 mph is not one in my head.
I was feeling really bad about this. I was feeling guilty. Didn’t I just say I couldn’t wait to run more this year? I’m a fraud!
I was talking to Maria before a great session a few weeks ago about this and she said, “Well maybe this is just what your body needs right now.” You know what, I think she was right. That day during practice my intention was “I will not feel guilty for giving my body and mind what they need.”
Since that day I let go of the guilt and embraced what felt good. Not only for my body but for my mind. I work hard. I parent a 2 year old. I volunteer my time. I try to be on top of things. Why force myself to do something I just don’t want to do right now? Don’t I deserve a few hours a week to do exactly what I want and make myself better because of it? Honestly, I think I do deserve that.
This is by no means me saying I’m not a runner. I love running. I have since I was 12 years old and will continue to for the rest of my life I hope. But who is to say that hanging out the sneakers for a bit (could be a month, could be a year) is wrong? I’m done feeling that it’s wrong.
I will give my myself what I want.
I will give myself what I need.
Namaste.
January 25th, 2013 at 3:42 pm
Oh my gosh, I just wrote a similar post. Only on the flip side of the coin. I felt I was pushing myself into yoga and not really finding it to me my thing. So though opposite, I can totally relate!
January 25th, 2013 at 3:51 pm
‘i will give myself what i want. i will give myself what i need.’ —> what a fabulous mindset. probably something more of us need to remember and practice
January 26th, 2013 at 8:34 am
I love this post! Taking a break from running doesn’t make you any less a runner…this coming from the girl who has been on like a year hiatus at this point. Seriously though Kimi, you’ll lose the love if you force it. As someone who has always wanted to give yoga a try, I must confess I’m a tad bit jealous.
January 26th, 2013 at 1:22 pm
Kimi -
What a beautiful and honest post! That takes guts!
One of my favorite things to say to myself – I think I heard it on SNL so it’s a tad crass…Guilt is a wasted emotion. So stop beating yourself up and move on to an emotion that is a lot more fun, like love, or joy!
Isn’t it cool how addicting yoga can be? I know I feel the same way as you when I’m having a hectic day, but I keep remembering that I’m going to yoga later – it gives me something to look forward to.
Remember that when you are doing yoga, it is all going to benefit your running. You core is getting stronger, your hips are opening, hamstrings getting stretched, and most importantly the breathing and mindfulness you’re practicing is all going to prepare you to be a better runner.
Your yoga mat is always going to be there for you and same goes for your running shoes. Keep listening to your body and when your ready to lace up again you will know it!
Namaste,
Maria
p.s. I love having your smiling face and energy in class each week!
January 28th, 2013 at 9:04 am
I ran for 16 years…the day I started Bikram I stopped running..that was over 8 years ago….<3
January 29th, 2013 at 9:53 am
Our lives definitely don’t always go in the direction that we “plan”, but sometimes that benefits us more than our “plan” ever would. I say do what makes you happy. Screw the rest.
p.s. Sometimes I think we lead parallel lives.
February 1st, 2013 at 2:43 pm
Great job finding out what your body wants and needs and deciding to get after it!
February 15th, 2013 at 4:18 pm
This is a great post! It’s funny but when we really stop to listen, our bodies tell us exactly what they need – food, sleep, exercise… It’s sometimes tricky to look past what you think you should do and tap in to what your body really wants. But the return is always worth it!