I will NOT feel guilty for giving myself what I want.
I will NOT feel guilty for giving myself what I need.
This is my latest intention. I go to yoga and sweat and stretch and chant it over and over again until my mind is blank. The blankness may only last a few moments at best but those moments are priceless.
Just a month ago I sat here and proclaimed that 2012 would be more running! Look at this big list of races I want to run! Yay running!
And then, I got back in the room. Hey yoga, nice to see you again. I haven’t stopped craving that room since. I have stopped running since though.
Maybe it’s just coincidence, maybe divine intervention… but a beautiful yoga studio just opened a mere 4 minutes from my home. How I didn’t know this was happening is a shock but I found out the day before the first class from Maria on twitter and in that moment I was overjoyed.
Since then I’ve been attending 2-4 classes a week and I couldn’t be both happier and more frustrated. I’m SO happy when I’m in the room. I’m so happy when I leave. I’m so happy when I wake up knowing I have a class later.
I’m frustrated that my desire to run is zero. ZERO.
I have been on the treadmill taking long luxurious walks while watching The Bachelor on my iPad but the thought of cranking the speed past 4 mph is not one in my head.
I was feeling really bad about this. I was feeling guilty. Didn’t I just say I couldn’t wait to run more this year? I’m a fraud!
I was talking to Maria before a great session a few weeks ago about this and she said, “Well maybe this is just what your body needs right now.” You know what, I think she was right. That day during practice my intention was “I will not feel guilty for giving my body and mind what they need.”
Since that day I let go of the guilt and embraced what felt good. Not only for my body but for my mind. I work hard. I parent a 2 year old. I volunteer my time. I try to be on top of things. Why force myself to do something I just don’t want to do right now? Don’t I deserve a few hours a week to do exactly what I want and make myself better because of it? Honestly, I think I do deserve that.
This is by no means me saying I’m not a runner. I love running. I have since I was 12 years old and will continue to for the rest of my life I hope. But who is to say that hanging out the sneakers for a bit (could be a month, could be a year) is wrong? I’m done feeling that it’s wrong.
I will give my myself what I want.
I will give myself what I need.